Open Adoption - Check your lenses!

From a post out in bloggerspace on http://daughterof2women.wordpress.com/:


Do you ever feel that this whole adoption thing is a battle? First, there is the battle for the possession of the child. Then, their is the battle for the loyalty of the child. From my own personal observation, it seems that adoptive parents are the ones starting the wars and picking the battles (not all adoptive parents). First, there is the battle for the physical possession of the child. Adoptive parents who choose domestic adoption must first be nice to potential birthparents. Some adoptive parents skip this part of the battle by choosing international adoption. Don’t deny the truth of this. Do you know how many times I have heard, “We chose xy country because we did not want to have to deal with birthparents. We did not want to have to have contact with the birth parents after the adoption. We want OUR child to know who his/her REAL parents are.” Those comments are the subject of an entirely different post so they won’t be dealt with at this time. Once the adoptive parents have won the initial battle and the child is in their possession, their true motives become evident. Maybe they promised to send pictures and letters but they do not fulfill their obligations. Maybe they send “pictures” but they make sure that they are out of focus or tops of heads are cut off. Why? Because they view the birthparents as the adversaries! The birthparents are trying to steal the loyalty of the child. Which brings us to the next battle, the emotional possession of the child. This battle is “won” by making sure that the child grows up understanding that their loyalty must be with the adoptive parents. Adoption discussion is tolerated only on a superficial level. Searching would be a treacherous act. After all, the birthparents are evil enemies who would only corrupt the child. Seems to me that if these adoptive parents could only understand one basic fact, birthparents are not adversaries. In most cases, birthparents are making the difficult placement decision because they want to provide their child with the best possible life. They enter into the adoption process with good faith, and sometimes they are slapped in the face. Why wouldn’t they be bitter? Why wouldn’t they be on the defensive? If adoptive parents would just realize that it is in the best interest of the child to honor that large part of the child that comes from the birthparents. If adoptive parents would just realize that by honoring birthparents they are honoring the child. Maybe then they would begin to realize that the honor and respect that they show to the birthparents results in a closer bond to the very child that they are so fearful of losing. Maybe if they would stop viewing it as a battle then a wonderful period of peace could occur.
Disclaimer: There are many wonderful adoptive parents out there who truly honor the child and the birthparent. This post is not aimed at them. There are birthparents who are abusive/neglectful and contact would not be advised. I am simply speaking about many situations that exist.

The assumption in the battle mentoned above is that all adoptive parents are just greedy with ugly motives. Would love to expand your thinking and add a couple more lenses. I am an adoptee (state run 1965 - sealed records) of an adoptee (my father in 1922 - private adoption) and we both reunited with our birth families. I am also an adoptive parent because my wife and I could not have biological children (international). The above fails to mention other reasons (much more common) why most parents go international - it's not that they don't want contact with birthparents. It's twofold, but the main reason is FEAR of having one's heart ripped out because a birthmother changes their mind early in the process (or after the child has been placed) and takes the child back (and the judge will always rule in favor of the birthparent in this country). I'm not against open adoptions, but I would never take this risk as long as this continues to be the practice. Damn if I'm going to adopt a child someone can come along and change their whimsical little mind and proceed to destroy my family!

The second one is that domestic adoption is traumatic and there are no guarantees (people are going to extreme to find a baby on YouTube now). One must put themselves up on parade in hopes that a birthmother will choose them. A homestudy is revealing enough. Have you ever been through one? Let's just say that if people knew how invasive an agency (unregulated I might add) can get in the homestudy process, adoption would only remain the last last option. I've had less questions asked of me in buying a home, a car and multi-million dollar equipment purchases for my business combined. Forgive my rant for a moment. I for one am not going to put myself on parade and hope some young teenager or twenty-somthing of another generational time is going to pick me. What in the world is going to influence them to pick my wife and me. We aren't movie stars, we're not infinitely wealthy & I hate spinning how "great I am to the world and how wonderful parents we are going to be for your child". How the heck do I say that - I've never been a parent in the first place! I have my own set of problems and so does everyone. We were in our early 40's when we made the decision of adoption. You tell me what the odds are that some teenager is going to let an average middle class 40 something family adopt their firstborn? We all must grow to understand how complex adoption really is (having lived amongst it and with those touched by adoption my whole life makes the lines very grey and hard to determine a black and white stance on anything). Many many views, angles, stances and lenses are needed to truly see into and through the many many issues of every plight in adoption. Many would think of me as an advocate for adoption. Once again - throw me into a box, stick on a label and put me on your shelf. (I'm an adoptive parent, I participate in two charities, I vote conservative and I'm a capitalist when it comes to business. What box do I belong in?)

Adoption is much more complex and I'm for a few things in adoption and adamantly against many others. I hate adoption most of the time. I love it only a small part of the time. I love my family and my 5 year old twin boys, but I hate some of the things adoption did to me. I struggle every day with the question "How the hell am I going to be a good father when I was abandoned by my birthfamily at 4, a ward of the state until 5, adopted by a troubled married couple to save their marriage, my afather leaves when I'm 10?) My adoptive life sucked 99 % of the time. I now try to commuinicate with all sides of the triad, having lived on two sides in this life. Every day I see more and more and the lines get blurrier and blurrer. I'm learning to understand the one side of the triad (birthparent) that I haven't lived on. I'm not so blind to realize that I'm naiive about many of the hurts and pain a birthmother has gone through having relinquished a child under durress, confusion or peer pressure. I used to condemn this group becuase my limited view was that relinquishment in the modern age was for convenience and purely selfish. Until I met more than one who was forced due to financial, living and other issues outside the birthmother/birthfather's control. Shame on me! Every side of the triad has a voice! No one voice of any side of the triad is the final authority. Issues abound and the minute we take a stance, someone comes along which brings our stance into question. We are touched by adoption and will continue to be touched by adoption. Call it fate, call it what you want, but it's who we are and a decision most of us did not choose.

Foster Parent Allegation - States need to do something now!

They had a heart for those with less. The couple who had two of their own biological children wanted to give back. So they went to foster child training. They were certified and then sort of let it go because many of the stories they heard were disturbing. To the credit of the state they attended training in, no punches were pulled and counselors/social workers shared the toughest and some of the ugliest from bedwetting by older kids to firesetting to sexual deviation. Marty and Mary didn't really want to subject their children to such and so they simply marked the experience off as educational.

Only months after the training, a close friend of Marty and Mary brought a concern to them about children who were being neglected in their biological home. The friend was very concerned for two at-risk girls especially. Marty and Mary listened and couldn't put down the fact that they might be the ones to help out since they were eligible foster parents.

Long story short, the two girls were pulled from their family and placed at Marty and Mary's home. They were a decade older than Marty and Mary's children and in high school. Marty and Mary poured out their heart to them and helped them through their issues and made them a part of their life. They thought about adopting, but the children didn't need it for their security, they were treating Marty and Mary as parents and family after only a few months.

Years have passed and both foster daughters have attended college and have degrees and are moving forward in their lives. Marty and Mary have always been strict in their home life and as the foster daughters get out in the world, some of their habits are of concern to Marty and Mary. The oldest foster daughter is asked to leave as she refuses to acknowledge a home curfew and other rules which Marty and Mary have always maintained. For now, we'll just call the oldest Betty. Betty is very bitter and leaves and estranges herself from the family. Barbara, the youngest continues to stay home and soon meets someone she believes will be the love of her life. Barbara is engaged and announces this to Betty, who is estranged.

Betty is very jealous and now some of the tough parts of Betty surface. You see, Betty has been passed over (in her mind) by her sister's ability to find a companion before her. She is jealous and envious and filled with rage. Betty reacts by jumping onto the Internet and advertising herself as "available". Betty refuses to be Barbara's maid of honor because she doesn't want to go to the wedding where Marty and Mary will be (even though it is a small one in the home). Betty remains estranged and bitter.

Five years pass and Marty's biological daughter Suzie has finished college and has now announced her engagement. Marty suggests Suzie ask Barbara to be her maid of honor. Barbara and her husband are over for dinner and Suzie poses the question expecting a yes and excitement and joy regarding the announcement of her engagement. Barbara's response is negative and she and her husband make a quick exit. The Marty and Mary household is flabbergasted. They ask themselves over and over, "Did we say something wrong?". What is the problem?

Two weeks later, Marty is summoned to the police station and is informed that a restraining order has been taken out against him! The order was filed by his eldest daughter. He doesn't know what to do. He is shocked and dismayed. The order is examined and questioned and a judge throws it out. A few weeks later, Marty is informed a second restraining order has been taken out against him and this one now by Betty! He goes to court to fight this just as the first and the judge will not even think about dropping the issue. Marty finds out there are 12 counts in addition to the order accusing him of sexual crimes committed over 15 years prior.

This story is true. What most people are never informed of, is that foster children are not stupid. They are very street savvy and the system actually hurts and destroys more children than it helps. Most children are abused more in the foster care system than they were prior to being pulled from their homes. They are most often abused by other foster children who are veterans and damaged by the system. Pulled from home to home in a shuffle of low budget money passing maintenance type behaviors, social workers simply pull, drop and move on. They are referred to by the little ones as "child grabbers". They are overworked with too many case loads and they are undertrained as the average life of a social worker in the public system is 6 to 12 months. They are simply managing chaos with no power to do much more than swap children amongst at-risk foster care homes. Now for the good stuff - Foster parent allegations are placed by foster children on an almost daily basis as a means to get out of a place the child doesn't like and move on to another "home". When an allegation is made, the foster child is immediately pulled and "protected". In most cases, any other children are pulled from the home and biological children of the foster family are also pulled from the home. Google "foster parent allegations" and read the horror stories.

Marty is now broke. He has had to hire a lawyer to defend him of all of the false allegations. You see Betty and Barbara were simply jealous of the wedding Marty was going to give Suzie. They had been passed over so many times, they simply wanted to make Marty's life miserable and hopefully disrupt the wedding. Little did they know that it would completely destroy Marty and his family life. Even though Mary is sticking by Marty, it's been hard. Marty's children are also sticking by Marty because they know in their hearts, that Marty is not capable of such horrific and heinous action. But the damage is now done. Marty's life will never be the same. The question of whether anything ever happened will sit over Marty by his peers for the rest of his life. His defense budget is all of his savings and all his equity of his entire adult life. Well into the six figures with no guarantee of "getting off". Marty will now have to wait and see and even if the judge throws it all out, the money is gone, the doubt will never be erased and Marty's life has now been ruined by a couple of teenage foster children who felt slighted because they couldn't have something that the biological child was granted.

Do you think you would foster older children after reading this story?

I was a foster child and I know the feeling of being passed over. It is not the fault of the children that they have these feelings. I place the blame solely in the hands of the system for placing a family at risk and not putting failsafes in place to protect against this type of action by a child. There are cases all over this country which deal with foster parent allegations. People are fighting for their biological children to be returned while they are now being abused by the same corrupt system that allowed Betty and Barbara to destroy Marty's family.

What is Adoption really about?

"We couldn't have children"
"We couldn't watch those terrible commercials on TV and not do something."
"We are partners and we want a family"
"It's the humanitarian thing to do"
"It was to save our marriage"
"Harry and I wanted to have the 'child we never had'"
"We needed someone to love us back"
"We couldn't have more children and Jack needed a playmate"
"We had to go the route of adoption because we couldn't have biological children"
"Everyone else in our neighborhood has kids, we felt out of place"

This is why adoption is such a screwed up life for the kids. Show me any one of these reasons where children are the motive! They're not and nor will they be for many who adopt for the wrong reasons. They are targets for those in the adoption space who are modern day gypsies selling snake oil. Think about your motives because you might just learn something about yourself and your desire to adopt.

Adoption has destroyed lives, marriages and most of all, children. Is a child better off as a poor farmer in a 3rd world country or in your plastic-pristine and perfect suburban lifestyle? Take 'em in, send them to school, put them on the path and watch them shine! It's so easy. It's all figured out! Just get them the schooling and they can be anything they want! Sure! Go ahead.

Giving them what you think they need can be very clouded by what you do to get what you want. We all have a very canny way of manipulating the system and one another into getting what we want. Most times, it isn't necessarily what we need or what the children we bring into our life need.

Let me introduce you to hell on earth when the plan above doesn't quite go as planned.........(names and places are fictitious - situations are real)

Sherry had to have a child. Bill wanted to make Sherry happy so he went along. Sherry and Bill couldn't afford International adoption, so they went the "inexpensive" method or going through the state. They did their foster parent/adoptive parent training. They heard some of the good, the bad and the ugly. Sherry always comforted Bill and assured him they would be very careful in making sure none of those things would happen to them. But time went on and the Sherry's bio clock was ticking. They were approaching an age when they would become ineligible if they didn't act. They would have to redo their home study and go through all of this again!

Meantime, Ralph, a graduate in social work got his new placement as a full time social worker within the child services group of his state. He reported to work and was assigned a case that the previous worker, who had retired and hadn't filled. Beth was the worker's name and she had been hesitant to place any of the available children into the home of Sherry and Bill because of the problem past of the candidates (kids) available for adoption when Sherry and Bill's homestudy had been accepted.

Ralph had his first meeting with his new boss, Patricia who had just been appointed from another department of social services. Patricia had been given a mandate to place 10% of all eligible children in the system in her first 12 months. Pressure to place children had come down from the Governor's office. Ralph liked his first meeting and the top file on his new desk was Sherry and Bill.

Ralph read the homestudy and really go into it. This would be his first placement. He was going to make a change and bring a family together. He reached over to his eligible file and thumbed through the available candidates. A young girl, Kristen, caught his eye. He read about Kristen and others but kept coming back to Kristen. The only problem, Kristen was 10 and she was going to be a hard placement. But after reviewing Sherry and Bill's file and realizing they had been in the system for quite a while, he went to Patricia to see what she thought about it. Patricia's mandate influenced her encouragement to Ralph to run it by Sherry and Bill.

Ralph called Sherry and made an appointment. Sherry hadn't heard anything from the state since Beth had retired. Time had rushed by and Sherry was approaching 40. When she heard about Kristen, she jumped at the opportunity for one, a girl and two, an older girl. Her mind started rushing through all of the things they could do together. Shopping and spending time in sports, (Sherry was a track star in her high school years). They could take weekends at their summer home and long walks on the beach.

So Sherry made an appointment and went to see Ralph. She wanted to make sure that Bill would only know if she was happy first. No need to bother him with this. Bill worked hard and he was behind Sherry 100%. Sherry dropped in for a meeting with Ralph and looked at Kristen's file. Kristen had already been involved in sports and was a top student in her school. Her situation was one of hardship as her single parent mother had died of cancer after having been divorced for only a short time. The whereabouts of the father was unknown and the state had to take custody of Kristen when her mother died, as there were no next of kin.

Sherry was beside herself when she got home. She couldn't hold it in and she broke it to Bill the minute he walked in. She was so excited that Bill's questions seemed to just go right by Sherry. Why is she in the system? Isn't she a little old? Is there a reason the father couldn't be found? Where is he? Wasn't it the state's obligation to seek him out and locate him? Sherry didn't have any answers and wasn't open to all of the "negative" feedback from Bill. They agreed to go and have a meeting with Kristen at the group home she was staying at the next weekend.

Sherry thought the weekend would never come. She couldn't contain her excitement. She and Bill had been married for nearly 15 years and never once had thought they would finally become a complete family. Sherry spent nearly two hours getting ready and went through change after change dealing with whether to wear or not to wear makeup. Should she wear a dress or jeans and a nice blouse to appear low key. It was as if though she was the one being adopted and not Kristen.

Bill simply went along with everything hoping this would be the end of all of the frustration for Sherry. After all, they loved each other very much and if it meant happiness for Sherry, Bill would do anything in the world for her.

Saturday came and Bill and Sherry arrived at the group home. They were escorted to a waiting room and a counselor shared with them a little on the background of Kristen. Per their records, Kristen's father simply left and never came home and after her mother died, Kristen became a ward of the state. She had excelled in school and in sports up to her mother's death. Because Kristen only had a distant uncle, Jerry who lived in the UK, she had no options. Her uncle had been there for her during her mother's illness, but had to return to his family and wasn't able to do anything for her as they had no room or monetary support for another family member. Kristen had been in the home for only a couple months and appeared to be well liked and very helpful doing her share of the work around the house. Because school was carried out in the home, Kristen had not had the chance to keep up her sports and was really concerned she would not be able to go to a "normal" school and run and play soccer as she had in her old school. The only negative was that Kristen was very shy around men and didn't want to get too close to any of the boys or male counselors in the home.

Sherry and Bill were shocked when Kristen walked in. She was slim and beautiful, polite and well dressed. She was articulate and very mannerly. What a shame for such a young girl to have to go through such trauma. She appeared nervous as any child would in such a situation, but nothing any 10 year old wouldn't feel being paraded in front of prospective parents. Sherry asked Kristen what she liked and disliked and asked her if she wanted to be adopted. Sherry very much wanted a family. She talked about her favorite TV shows and her favorite sports stars. She loved runners, tennis and was learning more about soccer stars as they watched soccer at the group home every chance they got. Bill remained quiet and simply stayed low key knowing what he did about Kristen's shyness toward males.

Bill and Sherry went out to have an ice cream with Kristen and her counselor on duty and then politely said goodbye. Sherry couldn't contain her emotion. Was it finally going to happen? Was she finally going to be a MOM? After the first meeting, Bill's fears were calmed and he told Sherry he was OK with pursuing adopting Kristen.

The story doesn't have a good ending. Because of information that never got to Ralph (Beth's retirement) and Patricia being brought in to replace the head of the social services group, the memo never made it into Kristen's file. You see Beth got a call from the group home just before she left her position. It seemed that Kristen had divulged, in confidence the following during a therapy session with the group home psychologist. Beth typed up a memo and gave it to her boss. See what missing and incomplete information did to these lives:

The rest of the story you didn't hear goes like this: Kristen's uncle came in from the UK to assist Kristen while her mother was sick. Kristen's mother didn't have any family because she had left the UK when she was a teenager and come to the US. She married but the marriage never worked out because Jennifer, Kristen's mother had been molested and she never felt comfortable with men. She went through the motions because she wanted someone to love her after the horrible life she had lived in the UK. She had a short term relationship with a guy she met and though they got married and had Kristen, he was wild and Jennifer simply asked him to leave after Kristen was born. What you don't see is that Jennifer had been molested by her uncle Jerry. Yes, the same uncle who came over to help Kristen when Jennifer had gone on life support. He never came to the hospital, he simply handled family matters and made sure Kristen was taken care of during his mother's sickness. Jennifer couldn't react because she was already in a comatose state when Jerry came over to assist Kristen. Kristen had been told many years before that she had some family in the UK and that if anything happened, she could call and get help from them. When Kristen called for help when her mother got very ill, Jerry was the first member on the list that called back and offered to help. Kristen being only ten, had no clue. And you can probably finish the rest of the story. Uncle Jerry had his way with Kristen just like he did her mother. And now he's back in the UK and Kristen is starting her new life with Sherry and Bill.

Fast forward: Bill comes home every night and pops back a few. Bill never used to overdo it, but now there's no life at home. You see, Kristen, his new adopted child won't come within 10 feet of him. He's tried to be friendly, but nothing seems to work. Kristen goes to therapy twice a week, but won't speak to anyone else about the terrible things that her uncle Jerry did to her. She cannot come to terms with the fact that her mother is dead and she has no one. Sherry spends huge amounts of time every day when she's not working 50 hours per week to pay for the therapy, with Kristen. But to Kristen, Sherry is not mom. Sherry is refined and likes all the things that Jennifer used to shy away from. Jennifer was simple, Sherry is complex. Jennifer had no family, Sherry has relatives everywhere coming in to "meet" Kristen. Kristen feels like she has to perform for all of them and she simply hates being around just about everyone. She lived a quiet life and now life is anything but quiet.

Sherry has no life outside Kristen's. Bill simply goes to work and comes home and throws a couple back and watches sports on ESPN. Bill works late whenever he gets a chance and now Sherry is accusing him of not spending time with her. Bill's argument is that there is never a moment to spend time with her as all her time is dedicated to Kristen. There are no more weekends at the beach home. It's been sold to pay for therapy and special attention projects with Kristen. Deep down, Sherry thinks Bill has found someone else and she almost doesn't blame him. Kristen fears men and won't go anywhere or do anything without Sherry. So Bill and Sherry now have a family.

So you want to adopt kids?

If you're touched, touch me back with your stories. The world needs to know that adoption is not all great and wonderful and the ugly has to be included with the good. If you disagree, tell me. Read more of my blog and know that I've been touched by adoption and I'm going to "touch it back!"